Pahrump Farts #5

I've neglected the local shenanigans lately. Between the illness and death in our family, my computer hassles, and trying to fight off a growing case of apathy and depression over national affairs I didn't have the heart for it.

Not to mention we are only approximately 20 or 30 thousand in number here, not exactly movers and shakers of the universe. On the other hand we are a fair enough sampling of what goes on in small town and semi-rural America, both the good and the bad.

We've had a fairly typical month or two here. The usual and expected number of small town crimes involving car chases accompanied by cheering sections composed of local homeless people, local gentry confronting sanitation workers with shotguns because they did not approve of trash pick-up on windy days, and the ever present wild burros not yielding the right-of-way in traffic.

There is talk of establishing a shelter and services building for our homeless but it isn't meeting with much support. Considering the last attempt to establish such a program met with threats and vandalism by locals I'm not holding my breath.

Current services consist of the providing an occasional hotel room and shower and a bus ride out of town. Capt. Arlene Torres, of the Pahrump Salvation Army states, "The agreement is they have to be out in the morning at six. Our driver takes them to Las Vegas and they take a bus wherever they're going," Torres said. "We haven't done it in the past month. The last time we did it was in November, a woman who came from California."

That does resolve the problem from the Pahrumpian point of view, just shift the problem to someone else.

The big news of the week is we are now home to a brand-spanking new chapter of the Minutemen. Featheriver was more willing to give them the benefit of the doubt than I am. Naturally I had to look up their mission statement.

Now they say they are not a racist organization but I have to wonder.

Future generations will inherit a tangle of rancorous, unassimilated, squabbling cultures with no common bond to hold them together, and a certain guarantee of the death of this nation as a harmonious "melting pot."

No worries, we already have rancorous, squabbling cultures...and that isn't even counting ethnic or religious minorities. I'm pretty sure we killed any melting pot notions when we killed off most of the Native Americans, enslaved Black people, imported and subsequently tried to deport Chinese and Mexican workers as our business needs fluctuated and oh yeah, confiscated the property of and incarcerated Japanese-Americans. If I missed someone I apologize, hard to remember everyone off the top of my head. We've been awfully busy.

Since even we of white, European descent are usually preoccupied with destroying each other I have to assume this must mean only certain rancorous squabblers are unwelcome. Now who might that be? I bet it's those darn Canadians, always coming over here and refusing to learn the language and assimilate our ways. Can't even get into a good shouting match or fistfight with most of them.

Accordingly, the men and women volunteering for this mission are those who are willing to sacrifice their time, and the comforts of a cozy home, to muster for something much more important than acquiring more "toys" to play with while their nation is devoured and plundered by the menace of tens of millions of invading illegal aliens.

My understanding is that this organization was founded to assist in patrolling our borders. That's the official line anyway.

That leads me to an entirely new set of questions. Where are these millions of illegal invaders around here? I've been looking for them and I swear, outside of Ed Goedhart's dairy in Amargosa, I can't seem to locate many at all. Now if these proud new Minutemen want to head over there and fight for their right to shovel cow dookey for minimum wage I can get behind that. I can't think of a more fitting mission for them.

Then there's the border question. Which border are they here to protect? We share some border with 5 other states. I haven't heard any complaints about rampaging Oregonians or Idahoans. We seem to have a relative truce with Arizona 'ceptin when we get to fighting over water. That leaves California and Utah.

Now much as some locals would like to seal the border against invading liberals from California we just can't do it. Our gaming based economy needs those California dollars. Kick them out and poof go the casinos.

By process of elimination that only leaves the Utah border. Waves of invading Mormons intent on coming here to experience the joys of sinning out from under the watchful eyes of their brethren. Hell, one of them even managed to become a state senator. Insidious devils.

I'm so glad to have solved that mystery. Now I can sleep in peace knowing the local Minutemen will be protecting that Utah border and I will be safe from invading Utahns.