Wednesday, May 30, 2007

So Anyway.....

You have this friend who you love very much. You'd do just about anything for this friend because, well shoot, you believe this friend has the potential to do great things because they are great and you just know they could be even greater.

Problem is, this friend is incredibly self-destructive. Forever making terrible choices for even worse reasons and then even lies about it. You're not even sure if your friend knows she's lying or if she's been doing it so long she actually believes her own lies.

After years of doing this your friend has jumped into a completely destructive relationship with a man she got some crazy notion she could "save" from himself. Naturally this hasn't worked out very well. After a brief honeymoon period he resumed his old ways and even added a few new tricks. He tells her how much he hates her every day, in word and in deed. Your friend is black and blue from the beatings and she's thrown away untold amounts of her money trying to save this man but he only grows angrier with her and more violent. She abuses him as well and uses her money and her promises trying to control and manipulate him and back and forth they go.

You still love your friend but finally you've come to realize that much as she cannot save the man she is involved with, you can't save her from her own bad choices. You'll always love her and you'll be there to help if she ever comes to her senses and puts an end to her situation but in the meantime you just can't agonize over her troubles anymore and you can't cry every time she is beaten again and for certain you are not going to continue driving yourself or her insane trying to force her to see reality because you understand that people have to be willing to save themselves or no amount of talking, arguing or trying to help will be of any use. Most of all you know that you have to take care of yourself or you won't be able to help anybody with anything at all. You hope your friend figures this out before it's too late for her.

It isn't apathy America, it's just that I can't stay excited about your situation when you won't do anything about it. Please call when you're ready to get your life together.

15 comments:

Mixter said...

You've made the right call. Ain't no saving someone from themselves. You can't save your friend just like she can't save her (disgusting, vile, asshole) boyfriend.

Mixter

RJ Adams said...

How did I know the subject matter after reading only to the second line?
I used to be into fishing once, until I matured sufficiently to realize taking pleasure from another creature's hurt wasn't doing me much good either. During that time, though, one of the things I learned was when you've got a really big fish on your hook you've got to let him run, with just enough tension on the line to eventually tire him out. Too much, and he'll likely tire you first, snap the line, and swim away. The force controlling this nation right now is a pretty big fish. Nothing is going to stop it dead in its tracks. Cindy Sheehan found that out, bless her. All we can do is get on with our lives, but keep enough tension on that fish to slow it down, tire it out, and bring it gradually to a stop. Bloggers, through the power of the internet, have the means to do that now more than ever. But, we must be careful not to burn ourselves out in the process. The most important sentence in your piece was the one that said: "Most of all you know that you have to take care of yourself or you won't be able to help anybody with anything at all."
Don't ever let that fish exhaust you.

TomCat said...

Mama, I'm pretty much with RJ. You have to take care of yourself, and, if you cannot continue the struggle, without doing yourself harm, you cannot. But sometimes it seems darkest before the dawn.

Not Your Mama said...

Oh I'm fine, I gave up self-sacrifice and any thoughts of saving the world years ago. It's more an eplanation of *why* I am not terribly excited about recent developments and events.

You're correct about "darkest before dawn". This war, at least in it's current form is already over and we're just squabbling over the last act.

At least 1/2 the population still doesn't "get" it but they'll commence screaming when the fallout starts hitting home and bills start coming due. Whoever is left holding the bag at that time will get blamed for it all and we'll have managed to learn not a damned thing. Too predictable.

I'm cynical and somewhat hardhearted and today at least I have more empathy for the desperate woman in Texas who killed herself and her children than I do for people who deliberately choose to put themselves in the line of fire even when all facts indicate the mission is pointless.

pekka said...

I ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer and I bought your "girlfriends" story completely. While reading, I was desperately thinking about what to say and being a bit relieved that you had at least pretty good ideas how to go about handling the nasty situation. Well it turned out to be a good read even with the suprise ending.

I hope my pal, Vigil, shows up and reads RJ's comment. It's pretty well what he needs to see and absorb.

pissed off patricia said...

I hear you, not your mama. But it seems while we are waiting for America to get it's act together a whole lot of people are black and blue and they had nothing to do with the relationship.

TauRaven said...

In many ways I agree with RJ, " dont let'em tire ya out, but then again I still think I am the worlds oldest hippy and dang proud of it. I just can't turn a silent side to what happens anymore. Some tend to call it second childhood , but I like to think that "hope springs eternal". BTW thank you deeply for your thoughts, just took a while to get thru the "stuff". People can't get rid of me forever...(s).

Not Your Mama said...

I'll probably never be absolutely silent about this or a million other things, maybe just not as frantic as some would like me to be.

Hey, I live in a world where 3 million people watch "The View" and another 2 million or more watch the O'Reilly Factor. Given numbers like that I'm happy for any progress at all.

cls said...

I'm with you mama...these days I'm just too tired to care a whole lot. More like I keep an absentmined eye on things outside my control and have moved to focusing more on family and my job. I think the Iraq vote was just more straw on this camel. I'm not walking away, it's just harder to muster up the passion these days.

Mixter said...

Yeah, I'm dull. Analogy was beyond me yesterday, I guess...

But a good analogy it was.

However, some of us need to stay active and try to make changes. The apathy of the American public is infuriating at times, but there are enough of us out here that want to change our situation.

I've suffered outrage fatigue before, and I probably will again. I took the break I needed, and I hope you will do the same.

Mixter

Vigilante said...

N.Y. Mama (and Pekka): I'm sure glad "America" in this story refers to your girl friend and not to the once-great country we share together. Because there's no walking away from her, especially when she's in deep trouble. Because her trouble is our trouble. Unless you think you can run away some where, like Finland.

Vigilante said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vigilante said...

st to add one more thing. Decades (3) ago, I turned my back on my country. Deep in the radical politics of the 60's, I became disgusted by the triple tragedy of RFK's and MLK's assassinations and the killings at Kent State. I said to my friends, wife, family (any one who listened) that my country was not worth saving because it was so befuckingly dysfunctional. So, I went off and played tennis for thirty years. Looking back on that point now, I see that decision was one of the most momentous and self-destructive decisions I ever made.

My experience. Nothing more.

Not Your Mama said...

Vigilante: not walking away from the country, I'm walking away from most of the hoo-haw over every single move made by congress/candidates/and most of all the party "bases" on both sides.

I'm fed up with all the "bash everyone who doesn't do exactly as we wish, exactly when we wish, right this fucking minute" mentality.

For instance: I don't like the current immigration bill, I'm certain it will create problems down the road if passed as is BUT: I'm not going to beat the hell out of every single congressman who decides to vote for it because I live in reality and realize that it might be the best we CAN get passed at the moment. I tend to think it would be better to punt and wait for a better one but I'm not going to threaten to axe murder anyone who decides to go with it for the moment.

That's what pissing me off. Even politicians who want to do what's best have to kowtow to non-thinking idiot bases while at the same time trying not to lose the center so we end up with a hodge-podges of bad legislation and meaningless bills that aren't worth the paper they're written on. Then everyone whines about our crappy government and flip-flopping politicos. Doh. We made them what they are today.

If we continue in this vein eventually we won't have anything left of what this country is supposed to be about at which point I will walk away from it.

There, that ought to piss off everyone in every camp ;).

Vigilante said...

Dudn't piss me off at all. A very good clarification.