The Conspiracy Against Bill O'Reilly

Yes Billy-goat there is a HUGE conspiracy. Bigger than even your paranoid little pea-brain could conceive of. Not only is the Far-Left involved but, get this, the Moderate-Left and in some cases...even the Moderate-Right. Yes, Virginia, there is such a thing, pretty sure they are currently on the endangered species list but they are out there. It goes without saying that the legendary "swing voters" are in on this too.

We spend untold hours every day brain-storming for new ways to discredit you because obviously we have no more important or weighty issues to occupy our time. I mean seriously, WHO CARES about Iraq, the spread of AIDS, the faltering middle-class, or education when there is the threat of BILL O'REILLY to be dealt with. We all fully comprehend the fact that all these other trivial issues would be resolved if we focus on the critical mission....TAKING YOU DOWN. We will not be distracted from our mission and are fully committed to staying the course. We have even developed our own bi-partisan study groups. Really.

It's only a matter of time, your days are numbered and once we have become the architects of your demise the field will be cleared to pursue other targets. Santa Claus, the Bible, Jesus, and the Easter Bunny...none will be safe.

We are working on proposed legislation as I write. With you out of the way we will be free to implement laws requiring all marriages consist of at least one gay partner, no longer will we tolerate those boring heterosexual marriages (some exceptions will be granted for marriages involving three or more persons). Abortions will be mandatory and assigned in accordance with all Affirmative Action guidelines. Christmas will be abolished and replaced with a National Day of Organics, to be celebrated with a festive, traditional meal of organically grown granola garnished with seaweed (oatmeal optional for ethnic Scots). Hunting will become a thing of the past save for special permits to hunt on government sponsored preserves which will be established for Old White Men and Evangelical Christians. All-natural, environmentally-safe ammunition will be provided.

This is only the beginning Billy-goat, the world as you know it will cease to exist and all because of you.