Semi-Coherent Thoughts on Death and Dying

Today is more or less our first day of going back to some semblance of routine. I say more or less because it isn't exactly routine yet. I still have chores to do such as clearing out the Christmas ham that she won't ever be having after all and tending the small herd of semi-feral cats we've inherited.

What always strikes me is how little we really leave behind us. In the end it comes down to returning Netflix videos and cancelling accounts. For most of us our greatest claim to immortality will be the credit card offers that will continue arriving years after the rest of the world has forgotten we ever existed. I've been through this enough times to know that dying is the surest path to a four-star credit rating.

This death has been different for me in that it isn't me who has been so greatly affected. I already said goodbye to most of the people who ever loved me years ago. I'm sad and I will miss this lady but her passing hasn't left a huge hole in my life and she didn't take most of my history with her, nor do I carry the memories of most of hers. It's been difficult because she took my husband's, one of the few people left on this planet I feel connected to.

I had to watch him say goodbye to the last remaining person who shared his history and understand completely how that feels. I think it may be more painful than going through it myself. I've had 25 years to get used to my disconnectedness so I'm sure time has softened the edges but it's not exactly the sort of thing you forget.

The process of dying is not something I look forward to but being dead doesn't trouble me much because I think it's most likely I will simply cease to exist. Nothing too scary there, kind of sad but basically it just means I won't be around to grow more flowers, someone else will though so no major loss. What scares me is leaving my better half behind to cope by himself. The world is an ugly place and it's particularly ugly to disposable people.

That includes the majority of the worlds' population. Religious folks like to put a different spin on things, claim we are all "special in God's eyes". They talk the talk but they almost never walk the walk. Most of us are disposable people, bodies to be valued as consumers or worker bees or to fight our wars and don't forget to fight for our causes such as protecting the rights of the unborn. Fuck 'em once they're born but by God we're going to make certain they get born. We have to insure enough are born to keep up the supply of bodies to use or convert for our causes.

I'm not religious and this puts it all in a very different perspective for me. Every single life has value because much as I hate to break this down for you...this may well be all we get. I can't just shrug it off and say "oh well, now she's in God's hands" because that's bullshit. Convenient, self-serving bullshit. It makes some people feel better to believe this, more importantly it makes it easier to justify treating others in any way they find convenient.

Okay, I'm rambling a bit. I'm still walking around feeling slightly surreal. I think what I'm trying to say is don't worry so much about the afterlife, start worrying more about THIS life. We've become numb to the numbers, too many people suffering and dying every day so we don't even think about it much, it's overwhelming. Stop and pick one of that number, any one, and really think about what it would be to be them or to be one of their loved ones left behind. Walk in their shoes for one minute. Do this every day.

If we could ever get every single person on this planet to do this for one minute of every day I think we might actually be able to make some progress as a species. Yeah, I know, I'm dreaming. It will never happen. So now you understand why I'm not so troubled by my own mortality. Sometimes leaving a bad situation is the better option.