Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Don't Fuck With Cranky People

The door-to-door Jehovah's Witness salespeople had been warned before: stay off of this property.

It is not my problem that they were unaware that a newly non-smoking, crazy woman was lying in wait just hoping to find a target to blow up on. To make it all worse they had the unmitigated gall to say "a dear friend" of our recently deceased family member had asked them to come and "minister" to her. What the fuck sort of "dear friend" doesn't know you are dead several months after the fact?


It was ugly, I'm still shaking and I'm willing to bet so are they....probably ran off to pray for safety from the demon-possessed monster that greeted them at the gate. Lucky for me there was no one with a video camera because I'm fairly certain I did look demon-possessed right about then.

On a lighter note...who knew old people could run so fast. Hope they were wearing Depends.


TomCat said...

mama, I have a strategy for JWs that works every time, as long as it's men.

"Thay there! Hiiii!! You boys are tho pretty!! Come in thweeties!! Take your clothes off! Leth Play!!

Bear in mind, I have nothing whatsoever against gay folks, but they sure do!!

Woozie said...

We used to have Mormons AND Jehovah's Witnesses where I live, and when one of my friends down the street saw them walking up to his house, he put on a fake beard, wrapped a towel around his head, and answered the door in a stereotypical Arabian accent. Lulz ensued.

pekka said...

Poor bastards got more than the wrath of god, didn't they? It would have been great to catch on tape all that action with Mama. It propably would qualify as a mother of all reality flicks and if deemed to be too graphic for wider distripution, it could be perhaps used as a valuable tool in training new and tougher Jehova's Wittness street gangs.

Not Your Mama said...

I try to keep my mean streak on a tight leash but omfg.

Bad enough I don't like them and don't want to be bothered but when the delusional fack stood there and lied to my face, pretending to have known our family member (even got the gender wrong) I blew a fuse.

I'm not sure which I detest more, a religious nut or a liar. Oh wait, kind of the same thing I guess.

Not Your Mama said...

Tomcat- love it. Husband says he'd love to do just that and you have no idea what a clown actor he can be ;). Sadly after todays performance even these fools will probably not be back anytime soon.

Omnipotent Poobah said...

There's some kiind of wierdness going on with comments windows in Firefox. I can open some of the wide enough to see the comments. Don't worry though. It's not just you.

In any case, I always dispose of them by smiling and offering them my literature from the Church of the Unholy Anti-Christ. Oddly, they always seem to leave rather quickly after that.

Dyre42 said...

Other fun ones that work ell are,"No, I haven't heard the good news about Jesus Christbut have you heard the good news about Amway?" and "You're right I do need a more personal relationship with Jesus. Come on inside, get in the bathtub, and we'll talk." But if you're in a hurry,"No thanks. I'm Jewish." works really well for some reason.

TomCat said...

Mama, I have a feeling they may be back sooner that you think. Vehemence is a challenge to them, but if not, tell hubby to have the routine ready, anyway. It works equally well with Mormons. ;-)

cls said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cls said...

My husband tells me that if you tell them you've been "dis-fellowshipped" they will leave skid marks on your driveway.

United We Lay said...

IMHO, if you have the nerve to come to someone's door without being invited, you deserve what you get. My husband answers the door naked when they come. We've told them we're buddhist, and that doesn't work, but they tend not to want nudists in their congregation. We're not actually nudists, by the way.

Vigilante said...

I never fuck with cranky people. I AM cranky.

Just My Thoughts said...

My personal fun with these idiots runs to answering the door in some kind of wierd clothing like torn shorts or under wear and drinking an alcoholic beverage and usually smoking a cigar.
If they are too insistent I will pass gas just to add a punctuation mark.
It works mostly and lets me fuck with idiots.
They usually have the stupidity to catch me at the worst moment so I feel justified in returning the favor.
Religious clowns should be given free make-up and left in a field to play with them selves.
All I ask is that they leave me the fuck alone. I don't fucking give a flying shit what they think or believe.
What ever that is they are welcome to. I don't want it stuck in my face.
Sorry for a bit of a rant...this is one of my buttons.

leftdog said...

I'm proud of your NYM! both the quit smoking (which I did 5 years ago) but for putting the 'fear of the lord' in those who need it.

You go girl!!!!

reenee said...

The last time that these people came to my door I told them that I was into devil worship and since I needed someone to sacrifice I'd take the chubby one wearing the support hose.
That was several years ago, and they still pass by quickly and avert their eyes when I'm outside.

Dee said...

When I was a teenager, I lived in a cul-de-sac where the JW representatives were hitting all our houses.

As we stood in the doorway, the teenage guy next door, who had already received his free bible from the JW folks, did the most astonishing thing.

He took his free bible out into the middle of his driveway. He went and got a gascan out of the garage and came back to said bible and doused it thoroughly. Then threw a match on it. Whomp! BIG flames! Then he nonchalantly walked back into his house without even looking at any of us standing agog in my doorway while the bible flamed on in the driveway.

He did all of this with such deliberateness of movement. Sort of like Harold in the hari-kari scene in Harold and Maude.

Anyhow, I don't remember the JW folks ever coming back to our cul-de-sac. But the memory of the flaming bible is as fresh in my mind as if I were looking at right now.

Not Your Mama said...

Now there is an idea.